A Giving Hand: A Gift and A Curse.
In relationships, I have always been the one to go over and beyond. Even without the other person showing the same. In friendships, I am the one everyone goes to whenever they need advice or ANY assistance with ANYTHING. I have always been that person, and being such a giving person has been a gift and a curse. A gift because I give without looking for anything in return, a curse because people see that as a weakness, and some take advantage.
My problem is, I do not know how to say “NO”. Anytime anyone calls, I come running, putting everything I am doing on hold. After being the one everyone can run to, I have expressed that I feel used or not supported and they get upset! Telling them “I no longer want to be the one you depend on” made me become such a bad person in their eyes. I lost friends last year for no longer being the one they can call and it has caused problems in all of my relationships. It’s like people see that I am so willing to help and do for others, and take advantage. I also am the one who goes to everyone’s kid’s parties, birthday parties, graduation parties, baby showers, dinners, weddings, etc. At times I would attend 2-3 events in one day! I’ll literally just get off work and make sure I am able to support people who I consider friends. Once I saw that this was not being reciprocated, I had to stop. Why am I draining myself to support those who do not support me?
I graduated in May 2017 and thought I would go straight into graduate school in Fall 2017. Since it did not work out that way, I decided I would work two jobs and work on all the goals that I had written down earlier last year. Then, of course, people began to need me, and I wanted to help, I JUST HAD TO. That leads me to put everything I wanted to do on hold, including my blogging. I work two jobs, and in my free time, all I do is sleep. I have tons of notes on my phone and notepads, to capture my thoughts but I never post them. So many things I wanted to do by the end of last year and didn’t do it. I’m not blaming anyone for not doing what I wanted to do, but I feel that putting my energy into other successes and not mines has held me back for so long. By the end of 2017, I decided that I would not allow anyone to stop me from where I wanted to be. So I began to list short and long-term goals I wanted to accomplish.
Today I vow to use the word no and only focus on myself. I have truly lost myself while building others up in the process, and I am taking every step to get back on track to ME. I have promised myself, that if I help with anything, whether it be a homework assignment, picking up their child, lending advice or money, that it will be a two-way street. Until then, I have focused on my own needs. I start a new job this month and plan to begin my graduate school application process soon. This is all a fresh start for me, and my energy needs to be focused on that. My energy has been off because I have been giving so much of myself and have not received anything in return. Once I started saying no for a change, I felt the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulders. My life has made a huge turnaround, and I refuse to go back to where I was. I will continue to be myself by not allowing my good heart being clouded by the misuse of others. I will continue to love and support those who support me. Putting myself first after so long of not doing so feels great. With that being said, I am reintroducing my blogging, and so much more, this will not be the end of my success! Thank you all for being patient and staying on me, I am back at it!